So it’s been a while since I wrote a blog – I think this is my first one of 2023 maybe – and honestly I’ve been struggling for a topic to cover. I’ve had a few ideas that might work out in the future but reality is that I’ve also been battling against a lack of motivation and having literally zero energy. That probably sounds like no big deal right; at least for most of us, but when I say I’ve had zero energy I mean it in extreme terms and I’ll explain why…
Before I do that I ought to share a couple of things first. Firstly I’d like to apologise as this won’t be the huge blog full of stunning pics – taken by our awesome FSG server members – which I usually share; it’s mostly going to be my words. I hope you don’t mind reading them. I also ought to share some links to our awesome Femboy Style Guide stuff…
FSG Discord Server: https://discord.com/invite/gGCkkU6Ccc
FSG Flickr Group: https://www.flickr.com/groups/14811328@N23/pool/
FSG-X Flickr Group: https://www.flickr.com/groups/fsg-x/pool/
If you’d like to know more about FSG or our awesome neighbours at The Blacklist Bunker please peek my previous blog entries using these links:
FSG Penthouse: https://semysays.com/2022/10/27/semy-says-the-fsg-penthouse/
The Blacklist Bunker: https://semysays.com/2021/11/26/semy-says-the-blacklist-bunker/
I’ve spent the last few weeks feeling utterly drained, I’ve barely logged into Second Life, barely done anything other than exist in my real life home reading books and watching TV. That’s really all I’ve been able to manage. It’s been a struggle just to do the simplest of things and the harder it has become the less motivated I’ve been to do or try anything beyond the minimum; I always try to be relentlessly happy and positive about things but when things get like this it impacts my mental health and for these last few days I’ve cocooned myself trying to shut the outside world out completely.
When it comes to that lack of energy I want to put things in context and talk about why I get that way…
Depending how you look at it 2018 was either the worst or luckiest year of my life. My real life to be clear. The year before I was ill; my body was showing smalls signs of internal bleeding. I’d of course had all the tests done; bloods taken, ultrasound, CT, MRI, X-ray, endoscopy, and a liver biopsy. Despite not being a drinker at all my specialist told me I had the liver of an 70 to 80 year old alcoholic (I’m a lot younger than that) and I’d developed esophageal varices (these were the source of the internal bleeding). I had to have variceal band ligation during the endoscopic exam and I was placed on a cocktail of medication. All of the above were symptoms rather than a cause however and although I was stable there was no explanation for my illness.
January 2018 was like no time in my life before or since. Literally just after new year I didn’t feel great at all. I thought I had the flu or something like that. Then I woke up one morning and felt like I was going to vomit; I rushed to the bathroom but didn’t make it to the basin. I covered the entire bathroom with blood then I collapsed – it’s not a joke to say it looked like a scene from a horror movie. I spent around a week in the hospital (where I had variceal band ligation done to me again) before being sent home. A week later it happened again although I didn’t make the same mess as I could tell it was going to happen and was prepared. By the time the ambulance reached the hospital I’d filled an entire bucket with blood; in the casualty department I laid on a bed screaming in pain (my stomach had swelled so full of blood I felt like I was going to burst) whilst occasionally filling those cardboard hospital bowls full of blood in between. I was surrounded by more medical staff than I’d ever seen in one room; I’m told they were squeezing blood bags to try and get it back into me. Eventually I was rushed to intensive care; I remember signing the form consenting to an emergency endoscopy as another doctor told me I was being dosed with fentanyl before I passed out.
I spent the remainder of January in intensive care and on a ward going stir crazy before I was deemed stable enough to go home. I’d been referred to a specialist hospital in Birmingham though and a couple of weeks later I was admitted. If anyone remembers the 2018 “Beast from the East” storms of late February and early March it was around then when I had life saving surgery. Before they knocked me out doctors explained multiple possibilities of what could/would happen next and what they thought was wrong with me. I was told I had an extremely weird cocktail of blood issues which had basically given me exceptionally sticky blood and caused a disorder called Budd-Chiari syndrome – I know I’d never heard of it either and in fact almost every GP I’ve seen since has had to google it. I woke up later to be told I’d had a stent fitted which would divert blood flow and hopefully stop me suffering another internal bleed. The specialist later told me that someone who suffers from a single bleed episode like I’d had has a 50/50 chance of survival but only 1 in 4 survive a second bleed like mine.
I’ve spent the last few years since trying to exist with a condition that demands a cocktail of medication (including blood thinners), monthly blood tests, repeated other tests at least twice a year (ultrasound and endoscopy), and every so often I have to go back to hospital to have a tiny camera fed into my jugular vein then down through my heart and to my liver so they can check the stent is working ok. It’s all become so routine that the nurses told me I’m great at coping with a camera down my throat – no shock there really I guess – but being awake each time for the last of those procedures I mentioned is still terrifying beyond belief.
During the pandemic I shielded for the entire time although it didn’t make much difference really because I never leave the house now beyond medical appointments pretty much. My specific cocktail of blood problems is so nuanced and rare that there will never be a miracle cure; this is me for the rest of my life now. I have good days and bad of course. Just lately I’ve had a lot of bad ones where I’m left with barely enough physical energy to get out of bed and have a shower. I tried to think of how to put the feeling best and ironically (as I’m a huge Tolkien fan) words spoken by Bilbo Baggins sum it up: “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
I’m sorry this isn’t the usual happy or super interesting Second Life topic I usually write about in these blogs but for some reason it felt like something I had to do. Partly for catharsis; it’s been 5 years and I have never really gone into major detail about my illness with anyone other than my most immediate family and one or two people from Second Life. Also partly as an apology too though; just lately I’ve cut people off, I’ve had loads of discord messages and I stopped replying because I just didn’t know what to say, so I wanted folks to understand at least. Hearing from so many people whom I care about that I’m missed is so uplifting but it’s hard to know what to say in a discord message reply sometimes. I love you all so much and being away because just sitting at a desktop or using a laptop wiped me out filled me with an almost unshakeable loneliness born from that aloneness. I’m truly sorry I’ve been silent for a few days; you all deserve better.
After I finish this blog I’ll respond to all those discord messages; share the link with those people first and then share it with the server I think. I needed to write something; to get it all out of my head, tell people about my experiences, and because I didn’t want to always hide behind other excuses of why on occasion I’m not there. I’d rather my friends knew.
Please don’t read this and take it as me just wanting people to be sorry for me though. I said earlier 2018 was either the worst of luckiest year of my life and I meant it; it was the luckiest, I’m still here. Think of me sharing my experiences as a reminder that we all have our problems and secrets. Be kind to the avatar you bump into in Second Life or discord because there’s a real person with real worries at the other end of that interaction and just like me it might be their only outlet or escape from feeling trapped in real life.
Semy says… so what next?
Well for a start today I felt well enough to sit at my desktop and write a blog (today is Tuesday the 21st of March) so I plan on reaching out and returning to Second Life (either today or tomorrow depending how much energy I have left). So if you want to catch up I’ll hit the Blacklist for the daily sets 🙂
I ought to share some FSG news too though!! Soon we’ll announce our next discord server photo contest and theme so please keep an eye out for that. Ohh and of course make sure to join us, the awesome Blacklist Bunker crew, and our awesome team of models for our first FSG Fashion Show of 2023 on the 22nd of April!! If you want to know more peek my blog about our previous Fashion show:
https://semysays.com/2022/10/07/semy-says-the-second-fsg-fashion-show/
All my love; Semy xoxox.
Semy Says... 
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